Death is a part of every life cycle, but the details of death vary immensely. In some cases death is almost instantaneous as in some accidents, drowning, severe heart attacks, and so forth. In other cases dying may take awhile or even be very prolonged (Alzheimer�s cases).

In our society we do a poor job of preparing for and anticipating death, regardless of how rapidly it occurs. People who die instantaneously have rarely communicated their thoughts and desires about relevant issues to their closest family and friends who will have to handle the finances, property distribution, and ongoing support of dependents.

Ours is basically a death-denying society where the topic of death is avoided. We speak in euphemisms about a person�s "having expired," "met his maker," or "passed away," rather than address death directly. The discomfort associated with the topic of death prevents many people from ever discussing their own inevitable death or taking positive steps in its anticipation, like making a will. This tendency to avoid preparing for death is so strong in the United States that even persons who are terminally ill continue to procrastinate and suppress their thoughts and feelings about death. Quite often the dying individual will withdraw from relationships and minimize contact with other people in an attempt to avoid dealing with the pending death.

Very often the people closest to a dying person have even stronger tendencies to avoid the topic than the dying person. They may retreat from contact and communication altogether or insist on changing the subject to something more positive if the subject of death emerges in conversation. Death is generally considered negatively and hence is not a welcome topic in our hedonistic society. For these reasons, many friends and close family members cease contact with the dying person even before the dying process restricts his or her mobility or other functions.

In one case with which I am familiar even the grade-school-age children of a dying father withdrew from close contact and curtailed normal household conversation after becoming aware of their father�s terminal cancerous condition. The father felt isolated and became severely depressed in that atmosphere of minimal emotional support. His only supporter was his dear and devoted wife.

In many cases of terminal illness, the spouse who is well is not able to sustain his or her strong emotional support all the way to the end of a trying and prolonged dying process. Sometimes the emotional strain of a prolonged decline even results in divorce prior to death.

There are many forces at work in our dynamic society that increase emotional stress on persons facing imminent death. Medical providers are very uncomfortable with death. They devote their careers to preserving and prolonging life. Many of them see death as an enemy and insist on bringing to bear every possible medical procedure in order to defeat or at least postpone death. What�s more, they also have a well-founded fear of liability for negligence if they don�t take heroic steps to extend life.

Consequently, medical providers will generally pressure the dying person and his or her family to pursue all avenues of intervention embraced by western medicine. They are apt to show their distaste for living wills. Some physicians go so far as to cease pain relief medication once a living will is involved and a do- not-resuscitate directive has been issued.

Other societal sources of stress come from our extreme specialization that has resulted in many services being performed impersonally by strangers. Funeral directors, adult day care centers, transport services, nursing homes, hospitals, and emergency medical transport teams now perform functions that were previously furnished by the family, if at all. The services� businesslike manners often leave the customers feeling more like commodities than people. Lynn Caine gives a good example of this in her book Widow, where she describes the rules that prevented her young children from visiting their hospitalized father during the last 6 months of his life. Furthermore, we have also heard many accounts of inadequate care and hygiene in some nursing homes. Sometimes the deficiencies are so severe that health officials close the institution.

Moreover, the affluence of our economy and the wide geographic dispersal of family members have contributed to the breakdown of multigenerational families. Parents and grandparents almost always live apart, often in different states. This has lessened the frequency and duration of personal contact. Long-distance communication tends to discourage sharing details about day-to-day living and other experiences that strengthen emotional bonds in close-knit families.

Another indication of weaker emotional bonds in our society is the high incidence of divorce among healthy persons. This is concurrent with a weakening of spiritual commitment evidenced by declining support of many religious institutions. Many members of our society, submerged in their materialistic surroundings, are isolating themselves from direct human contact. They travel in a sealed air-conditioned car, and they work at home on their computer, connected to the outside only by a phone line; their entertainment is also computer generated. Will these shifts in society increase or decrease emotional stress? Will they alter the ways in which we react to death?

There is an established body of literature dealing with the human emotions surrounding death. There are some universal reactions that survivors have after the death of a close friend, family member, or loved one. In fact, dying persons who are aware of their impending death experience essentially the same emotions (with slight variations) as survivors. These emotions were first identified in the literature by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross as anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. People coping with death often experience periods or stages when one of the five emotions dominates the others. Each of these five emotions will be dominant in one or more phases, and there is no established order or duration.

Denial or anger surfaces as the first or an early phase of coping with death. Acceptance is often (but not always) the last phase. Most of these emotions can be experienced simultaneously, and people�s conscious thoughts cycle frequently from one emotion to another.

Denial is often the first reaction to death (especially among the young who so often think of themselves as immortal). It is a temporary defense, often linked with magical thinking that "if I ignore it, maybe it will go away." People often use denial to cope with painful and uncomfortable things in life. Both the physician and the dying patient may be covertly engaging in denial. Among survivors, denial often makes it easier to continue contact and communication during the terminal illness. After death, the survivors usually get over their denial and other grieving emotions within a year. However, in some extreme cases parents may extend the denial phase for years.

Anger is one way of expressing strong emotional trauma. It can be directed (usually without reason) at doctors, advisers, employers, relatives, or friends. Survivors often direct their anger at the deceased for leaving them.

Bargaining is an attempt to postpone the impending death. It is a plea to extend the duration of life another month, season, year, and so forth; in return the bargaining person intends to cease current vices, strengthen his or her commitment to family and loved ones, or increase support to religious or charitable organizations. Bargaining can prompt vigorous bursts of energy and enthusiasm.

Depression may initially be triggered by the limitations of deteriorating physical health. It is also a manifestation of the loss of hope (the death of dreams). It saps the person�s energy and often stops him or her from attempting things that he or she is still capable of doing. During times when depression is the predominant emotion of grieving, it is very hard to communicate with the person. Depression prompts individuals to withdraw from other people and focus on their inner thoughts and fears.

Acceptance of death may be short and recurrent. It may or may not be a prevalent emotion at the actual time of death. Acceptance of death is often accompanied by a cessation or reduced intensity of the emotional fight for survival. It is frequently marked by an increased desire and need for sleep. When acceptance is the final stage, death can be somewhat serene and tranquil.

When the dying process is long enough for the person to be cognizant of physical and/or mental deterioration, the dying person is aware of the loss of control of his or her own life and the loss of independence. Even in these impaired conditions there is a strong human need for dignity and self-respect. The dying person deserves humane treatment from those around him or her. Family members are often better at maintaining a warm nurturing environment if they have not already been stretched to their limits and experienced burnout.

Some religious and ethnic groups have developed ceremonies and procedures to accompany death. They are often devoted to extending dignity and humane treatment to those nearing death. They further promote respect for the deceased and support for survivors and their grieving. Survivors often require up to one year to adjust to the death and work through the grief. During that year their emotions are usually a roller coaster of extreme highs and lows. Survivors also need nurturing.

Surviving spouses are often so distraught that they make major lifestyle changes in hopes of easing their pain. Frequently these decisions are not good ones for the survivor�s long-term best interests. Family and friends of survivors can provide some protection from making foolish decisions by playing the role of devil�s advocate with the survivor and those who strongly influence him or her. All of us have the capability of making irrational choices. The likelihood of doing so seems to increase while we are grieving over the death of a loved one.

The grieving process is just as important to children as it is to adults. All survivors need to release their ties to the deceased. The stronger those ties were, the more painful the grieving process. Survivors who try to avoid the pain of grieving by not reacting to the death often display one or more of the following reactions: overactivity without a sense of loss, symptoms similar to those of the deceased prior to death, intense hostility toward specific persons, agitated depression, trouble sleeping and nightmares when sleeping, preoccupation with the deceased�s image, and a long-term decrease in their level of social interaction.

Financial services professionals must themselves grieve for their deceased clients. At the same time, they must actively listen to the verbal and nonverbal messages from survivors and maintain a professional demeanor. They may be the only ones capable of playing devil�s advocate on financial decisions facing survivors. Financial services professionals must suggest the correct moves financially even if doing so provokes angry confrontation now or in the future. Survivors will generally be able to make better rational evaluations and decisions 6 to 9 months after the death.

Aiding survivors is every bit as demanding as initial sales work. It requires empathy, diplomacy, patience, warmth, genuineness, and persistence. The communication can be and often is highly emotional. Strong negative emotions may be directed at professional advisers.

Consequently, financial services professionals must keep cool and maintain their composure. This may require some advance strategies for disengaging or otherwise calming the emotional fervor of conversations with survivors. This phase of service is the final stage for previously sold products and services, but it may be the initial stage for future product and service sales. Establishing credibility and reliability with survivors can expand potential referrals and thereby be a positive influence on future business. Each death creates the need to terminate an estate, but at the same time it reminds surviving family and friends that they have unfinished business to attend to before their own death. The financial services professional who performs extraordinary service for widows and widowers is enhancing his or her credibility. This may provide a handsome long-term dividend.